How Childhood Trauma Shows Up in Adult Relationships

You might be in a loving relationship, and still feel anxious, easily triggered, or afraid of being left. Or you might keep finding yourself in toxic dynamics, repeating the same painful patterns over and over.

If this sounds familiar, it may not be about who you’re with, but about what you learned love feels like.

Childhood trauma doesn’t stay in childhood.

Even when the past feels far away, unresolved trauma can silently shape how we relate to others. In Schema Therapy and trauma-focused approaches like EMDR, we often discover that many of our adult struggles have their roots in early emotional wounds.

Examples of childhood trauma include:

• Emotional neglect (feeling unseen, unimportant, or dismissed)

• Physical or emotional abuse

• Parents with mental illness or addiction

• Being parentified (taking care of adults too early)

• Growing up with instability or fear

How does this affect adult relationships?

Here are some common signs that early trauma may be showing up in your romantic or close relationships:

1. Fear of Abandonment

You might panic when someone takes longer to reply, or feel devastated by small signs of distance. Even healthy partners may feel "too unpredictable", because your nervous system is wired to expect loss.

“I feel like I’m too much... or not enough. I’m always afraid they’ll leave.”

2. Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners

If love felt conditional growing up, you might find comfort in the familiar, chasing people who are distant, avoidant, or inconsistent.

“I know this isn’t healthy, but I can’t stop hoping they’ll finally choose me.”

3. Over-Giving or People-Pleasing

You may have learned that your value comes from being helpful, quiet, or easy to love. This leads to burnout, resentment, or feeling invisible.

“I never express what I really need — I’m afraid they’ll think I’m needy.”

4. Shutting Down or Pushing People Away

When intimacy feels dangerous, your survival response may be to withdraw or sabotage closeness.

“As soon as things get serious, I create distance. I don’t even know why.”

5. Struggles with Trust and Control

You may need constant reassurance or feel the urge to control everything in the relationship, because unpredictability used to mean danger.

“I can’t relax. I need to check, plan, control — or I feel unsafe.”

You’re not “too sensitive.” You’re protecting old wounds.

These reactions are not character flaws. They are protective strategies developed by a younger version of you who needed to survive emotionally.

In therapy, we work with these patterns with care — not to judge them, but to understand and transform them.

How can therapy help?

In my practice, I use integrative therapy approaches like Schema Therapy and EMDR to help clients:

• Identify their unconscious patterns

• Understand where they began (and why they made sense at the time)

• Reprocess painful memories that still affect emotional reactions

• Build a new sense of safety and connection — from the inside out

Healing early wounds doesn’t mean blaming the past. It means giving your adult self the chance to finally feel safe, seen, and connected in a way that feels real and sustainable.

If this resonates with you...

Know that you are not alone, and that these patterns can change. Therapy offers a safe, structured space where you can understand your triggers, stop repeating painful loops, and create healthier, more secure relationships.

You deserve love that feels calm, safe, and mutual.