How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
- annapsychologie
- May 20
- 2 min read
Saying no shouldn't feel like a crisis.But for many of us, setting boundaries comes with a wave of guilt, fear, or self-doubt.
You may wonder:
“Am I being selfish?”“What if they get upset?”“Will they stop loving me if I say no?”
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone — and you’re not doing anything wrong. In fact, the discomfort you're feeling is often a sign that you’re finally honoring yourself after years of putting others first.
What are boundaries, really?
Boundaries are clear limits we set to protect our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. They help us define what’s okay for us — and what’s not.
Examples of boundaries include:
Not answering work emails after a certain hour
Saying no to family demands that drain you
Asking for emotional space when you need it
Choosing not to engage in topics that feel harmful or triggering
Boundaries are not walls. They are bridges that support healthy, respectful relationships — including the one you have with yourself.
Why is it so hard to set boundaries?
Because many of us were never taught that we could.Especially if you grew up in environments where love was conditional, emotions were dismissed, or conflict felt unsafe, you may have learned to survive by:
Avoiding confrontation
Overfunctioning
Being the “nice one” or the “strong one”
Prioritizing harmony at your own expense
Over time, this becomes a pattern: you care for others — but abandon yourself.
The guilt factor
Guilt often shows up when you set a new boundary because you're doing something different than your old emotional programming.But guilt ≠ wrongdoing.
How to set boundaries (and manage the guilt)
1. Start small
You don’t have to make dramatic declarations. Begin with small, manageable changes — like saying “I’ll think about it and get back to you” instead of giving a rushed yes.
2. Use clear, kind language
You can be firm and compassionate at the same time:
“I really value our friendship, and I also need some quiet time this weekend to recharge.”
3. Expect discomfort — not disaster
Some people might be surprised, disappointed, or even annoyed. That’s okay. Their reaction is not your responsibility.
4. Reframe guilt as a signal of healing
Instead of seeing guilt as a red flag, try this:
“This guilt shows me I’m growing. I’m choosing honesty and self-respect.”
5. Work on the deeper roots
In therapy, we often explore the beliefs behind your guilt. For example:
“If I say no, I’ll be rejected.”
“My worth depends on how useful I am.”
“Rest is only allowed after everything is done.”
These core schemas can be gently restructured through approaches like Schema Therapy, EMDR, and self-compassion work.
A final reminder:
Boundaries are not about controlling others — they’re about respecting yourself.And the people who truly care for you? They’ll respect you even more when you do.
You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to protect your peace.
It’s not selfish — it’s self-respect.
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